5 Minutes on Practical Strategies for Being in Conflict
Being in conflict can be hard.
It can be stressful. Emotionally taxing.
It can strain relationships.
It can take energy to avoid hard conversations, or even feel like a waste of time to work through.
But if you believe my premises about conflict:
That conflicts are part of healthy relationships,
That conflicts can be helpful or positive when navigated well, and
That sometimes conflicts are pointing us towards opportunities for learning and growth,
Then, you agree.
It’s important that we get better at being in conflict.
And I mean truly BEING. Being present. Not just getting through it or over it.
Truly being in conflict is reliant on our ability to understand conflict, be in it with awareness, and approach it with intention.
Then we can reap the positive benefits from conflict.
Here are some practical strategies to use when in conflict. Strategies for yourself to help you prepare. Strategies specifically for difficult conversations with one other person. And strategies for conflict causing tension in a group or team.
1. Strategies for Preparing Yourself
If you know me by now, you're not surprised we are going to start with preparing yourself.
The better you know and understand yourself, the more centered you’ll feel going into a difficult conversation or tense situation.
The less likely you are to be “hooked” by old patterns and habits that won’t be helpful to you.
Ask yourself questions like:
Where am I emotionally attached to being right? What’s behind that for me?
What relationship would I like to have with this person at the end of the conversation?
What is most important to me about having this conversation?
What other perspectives or “truths” might there be in this situation?
What assumptions am I making? And, how can I begin to notice when I’ve started making assumptions to stop that spiral?
Am I in space where I’m willing to see different perspectives? What about this could be a growth opportunity for me?
How will I stay grounded and present for this conversation?
Want to keep going?
Judy Ringer has seven more questions you can ask yourself before going into a difficult conversation.
2. Strategies for a Difficult Conversation with One Other Person
Many of our conflicts are really hard conversations we are having, have to have, or are avoiding with one other person.
My top tip, if this person is doing something that is impacting you, is to use COIN.
COIN was developed by Anna Carroll MSSW and discussed in her book, “The Feedback Imperative: How to Give Feedback to Speed Up Your Team’s Success.” It helps you embed feedback into your conversation.
COIN stands for Connect or Context; Observe; Impact; Next Steps.
Context: Or, what is the context of this situation?
Observe: What did you see, hear, or experience from this person that is causing stress or conflict?
Impact: What impact or consequence does this behavior have on you, your team, or your clients?
Next Steps: What is something you want to request of this person? Or, what question could you ask to learn more about what this person thinks about the situation?
Other strategies that help both parties stay present in the conflict:
Set aside time. Let the person know ahead of time that you would like to talk about something that may need some time. Give yourself (or both of you) time to prepare using the questions listed under strategy one.
Use these Conversation Starters, again from Judy Ringer.
Acknowledge to yourself, and the other person, that it may take more than one conversation.
As much as you can, get clarity on the type of conflict you are in.
Know they may have a different conflict style /cultural background then you do and be ready to adapt if needed.
Observe/notice what happens for you during the conversation. What feelings are you having? Where do you notice it in your body? What are the thoughts you are having? No need to act on this awareness, just simply notice.
Remember, if you are still holding onto the idea that direct is not nice, please remember “Clear is Kind,” from Brene Brown.
3. Strategies for Conflict or Tension in a Team or Group
Conflicts that are causing tension in a team or group require different strategies than conflicts between two people.
One reason is that when a team of people is involved it can be trickier identifying what is causing the conflict. It’s even possible that different members of the team are experiencing different tensions.
Talk about complicated!
For that reason, I recommend starting with the GRPI model, introduced by Richard Beckhard. GRPI stands for Goals, Roles, Procedures, Interpersonal Relationships. It offers us a way to move a team towards alignment and effectiveness.
The GRPI model purports that most conflicts on teams occur in these four areas:
Misalignment or lack of clarity around shared goals is the most common cause of conflict. This is particularly true when a team is newer or reconstituted.
Lack of clarity regarding roles is the next largest source of conflict for teams. It is critical for everyone on the team to have a shared understanding about what is under everyone’s purview.
Different understandings and expectations of team processes is the next most common source of conflict. The most significant team processes are typically communications, decision-making, and conflict resolution.
Interpersonal conflict is the final category of sources of conflict for teams. Surprisingly, even though most of us might guess that interpersonal conflict accounts for lots of problems for teams, studies have suggested it makes up about 1% of our team conflicts.
Team development is a naturally messy and time-consuming process. Using the GRPI model you can get aligned on your goals, roles and processes and most team conflict will be resolved.
Conflict in general is a naturally messy and time-consuming process. These strategies are intended to help bring clarity and intention to conflict so that you can reap the positive benefits.
Remember, conflict is a part of healthy relationships.
What’s one conflict you have in mind and what’s one new strategy you can bring to it?