5 Minutes on Calming Your Nervous System in Conflict

Sep 18

We can learn about conflict. Types of conflict, understanding our relationship to conflict, strategies for being in conflict.

We could talk about conflict until you start feeling some conflict with me…

“Move on, Lisa! I have other leadership topics I want to hear about!”

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer you practical ideas for handling the stress response that often accompanies conflict.

You can feel prepared to handle a hard conversation, and still, the fight, flight, freeze, or appease stress response shows up.

This can look like a clenched jaw, racing heart, inability to think, yelling, clammy hands, not talking, etc.

This doesn’t mean you are bad at conflict. It’s a sign that it’s time to learn how to calm your nervous system.

Here are five strategies for calming your nervous system before, during, and after conflict.

1. Ground Your Body

Pause your body: Plant your feet on the floor, feel the chair beneath you, or place both hands flat on a surface.
Breathing: Inhale slowly through the mouth, exhale longer through the nose (e.g., 4 counts in, 6 counts out). This helps calm the stress response.
Micro-movement: Roll your shoulders back, unclench fists/jaw, or shake out your hands under the table to signal safety to your nervous system.

The goal is to be in your body. To return to your body.

Learn what works best to feel grounded in your body. Try different ways of being in your body and pay attention to the results. It could be meditation, tracing your hands, noticing the feeling of each of your toes. Find what works for you.

2. Slow the Interaction

Buy time: Use phrases like “Let me think about that,” “I hear you—give me a second,” or simply sip water.
Ask a clarifying question: This can redirect your brain from reactivity to curiosity (“Can you say more about what you mean?”).
Silence: It’s okay to pause. A few seconds of quiet can regulate you and reduce escalation.

These steps can feel vulnerable or even hard to remember in the moment. With practice it will become more natural.

“Oh, I’m sensing my heart speeding up and a tightness in my shoulders, it’s time to slow things down. I can ask for a second to think and take a sip of water.”

3. Orient to Safety

Name what’s happening internally (to yourself): “I’m feeling my body tense—I might be going into fight/flight.” Naming helps create distance.
Anchor with senses: Look around and notice 3 things you see, 2 things you hear, 1 thing you feel physically—brings you back to the present.
Reframe the other: Instead of seeing them as a “threat,” remind yourself: “This is another human with needs. We’re both trying to be heard.”

When we start to feel unsafe we are more likely to attack, focus on defending our stance, or even shut down. You might need to take a break to orient yourself back to safety.

4. Choose to Respond Rather Than React

The stress response can send us into fight, flight, freeze, or appease.

Here are some ideas for redirecting the impulses that come with these four stress responses.

With these reframes you are choosing to respond rather than react.

Fight impulse: Channel into assertion instead of aggression—“Here’s what’s important to me…”
Flight impulse: Choose space without escape—“I’d like to take a short break and return to this.”
Freeze impulse: Use a small action to re-engage (name one thing you agree with, or summarize what you heard).
Appease impulse: Check in with yourself first—ask “Am I agreeing because I mean it, or to avoid discomfort?”

5. After the Moment

If possible, debrief with yourself later:

What did I notice happening when I started to feel stress? What was I feeling? What signs did I notice in my body? What story was I telling myself as it was happening?
Which strategy helped most?
Where am I proud of myself?
What did I learn and want to do differently next time?

You might have noticed by now that these strategies are intertwined.

Choose one step and see what feels right to do next. Once you’re grounded in your body, you might be more able to choose your next response.

This all takes time and practice. Be easy on yourself. There’s no need to try it all at once.

I tried to keep this sweet and simple and, still, it’s a lot. Here’s a one-page cheat sheet for you. Take it out before a hard conversation or review it after a tense moment.

Lisa Negstad