5 Minutes on Listening to Lead
Listening is one of the most important skills a leader can cultivate.
And whether you find it daunting or inspiring to consider, it is, indeed, a skill you can spend your lifetime cultivating.
One reason listening is so important is that it directly impacts the types of conversations you are able to have.
Judith Glaser, in her book “Conversational Intelligence,” has a framework that defines three levels of conversation:
Level 1 - Transactional - Transactional conversations are focused on exchanging information. Think asking and telling.
Level 2 - Positional - Positional conversations are focused on defending our own perspectives while staying curious about others’ views. Think advocating and inquiring.
Level 3 - Transformational - Transformational conversations are focused on sharing and exploring new possibilities together. Think co-creating new understandings.
All three levels of conversation are needed, it’s not a hierarchy. But each type of conversation should be used intentionally.
As leaders, level 3, transformational conversations, is where we want to be as much as possible. When we’re stressed, are brains are less flexible and we often lock in at level 1, transactional conversation.
What often gets in the way of transformational conversations is a lack of listening or poor listening skills.
Put another way, transformational conversations take deep listening.
When we build our listening skills, we are building our conversational skills. Specifically we’re better able to have truly transformational conversations.
Let’s build our listening skills today.
One way to get ready to engage in deep listening is to prepare yourself to be present.
It is really difficult to listen if we are hijacked by our feelings.
Brain science tells us that when we are emotionally activated our brain can actually shut down the higher capacity functions. We lose access to a more integrated brain.
The book “Difficult Conversations” puts it this way:
“...unexpressed feelings make it difficult to listen…we translate feelings into judgments, attributions and characterizations…”
Those judgments, attributions, and characterizations become less and less helpful when you are unaware of or hijacked by the feelings underlying them.
The work is to become aware of your inner voice.
Learn to notice and identify your feelings. Find tools to process and manage them so that you can be present and maintain access to an integrated brain.
This is made more difficult when a conversation or situation is tense, has a history of conflict, or reminds you of something painful. Remember, it’s always okay to pause or ask for space if you need extra support being present. These tools for calming your nervous system in conflict could also help.
The core of good listening is presence.
Here are three ways I think of listening:
Listen for values. What is most important to the other person? You might notice values you have questions about or values that are different from your own.
Listen for the impact. What is the other person feeling? This can be really difficult if these feelings were caused by your words or behavior. It’s easy to get defensive. Remember, you aren’t responsible for their feelings, but it’s important to understand how the other person has been impacted. Practice listening past the accusation to the feelings behind it.
Listen to all voices. In teams and groups it’s important to notice the smaller voices, the voices going against the grain, or the voices being pushed aside by others. How can you draw them out? How can you create space for those voices even if it feels risky? This is where truly rich, deep collaboration can happen.
Take a few minutes to reflect.
Where’s your starting point for building your listening skills?
Consider one upcoming conversation, what can you focus on practicing?