5 Minutes on Learning To Welcome Feedback
One day as I was working in my role as chief financial officer of a national nonprofit, my deputy director blurted out, “Well… we know you don’t like to receive feedback.”
I was shocked. I thought I was just fine with feedback.
I gave her an uncomfortable laugh and asked, “Really? I come across that way?”
She said she knew I wanted to be open and hear from others, but sometimes I took other people’s suggestions too personally.
After recovering from the conversation, I could admit she was right.
Part of my hurt response to feedback came from a well-intentioned responsibility that I felt for the department I was in charge of.
Feedback often pointed out the areas where I already felt less confident or knew things weren’t going well. And I blamed myself for not doing better.
A lot of the hurt came from personalizing the feedback into a judgment of me.
Can you relate?
I think of this story often when I’m working with organizations on fostering a culture that welcomes feedback.
Organizations often ask me, how can we create a culture where people are honest and open with each other without being hurtful?
Before we explore that question, I want to pause and examine why we want to create an organizational culture of feedback in the first place.
Why Create a Culture of Feedback
Feedback can be hard.
Hard to give.
Hard to receive.
Hard to process.
That’s why we need a culture that supports it.
Did you know the chief barrier to innovation and creative ideas is that we’re afraid of being laughed at?[1]
An organization where staff can be open and honest with each other will be more innovative, more creative, and ultimately more effective.
That’s what we want and we need feedback to get there.
Now, HOW do we get there?
How to Create a Culture of Feedback
There are two primary paths to getting there.
One direction is to emphasize the delivery of the feedback.
It’s important to practice delivering feedback in a way that empathizes with the other person and avoids the toxic behaviors of judgment, contempt, and criticism.
For this post, though, let’s focus on how we can start to welcome feedback and not take it so personally.
We take feedback personally because the heart and the head are in a conspiracy together!
We know from the field of neuroscience that the brain can process feedback (especially feedback delivered unskillfully) as a threat.
When we feel threatened, the thinking parts of our brain shut down, and we can go into a withdrawing or attacking behavior.[2]
At the same time, when we receive feedback, we may notice feelings of embarrassment, shame, hurt, anxiety, fear, and anger.
These emotions can sometimes overwhelm us, and we end up reacting to them in the moment.
So, what can we do to better handle feedback?
It takes learning, practice, and time. Here are five tips for getting started.
Five Tips for Welcoming Feedback
Start by just noticing. Notice the times when you have a reaction to feedback and the times when you don’t. Expand your self-awareness and be easy on yourself through this process—we all have this reaction in common.
Identify what you are feeling, ask yourself “What story am I telling myself to create this emotion?” For example: “They think I’m weak.” “They don’t trust me.” “They think I’m stupid.” “I’m so embarrassed about this mistake, and they’re going to think I’m not competent!”
Once you know the story you are telling yourself, you can examine it. Ask yourself, “Do I really know this to be true?” Or you can say to yourself, “I’m going to put my feelings and story aside to see if there is something I can learn here.”
Find some space between the feedback and your feelings about the feedback. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What part of this am I willing to accept and work on?" Maybe you see some truth in the feedback. Maybe not. We don’t always need to accept all (or even, any) of the feedback, especially if we honestly feel like it wasn’t given in the right spirit.
Remind yourself that most people are focused not on you but on their own internal struggles. This can impact the feedback itself or the delivery of the feedback.
Learning to welcome feedback can feel like a big step to take. It's a lot to think about and practice.
Remember, we're not striving for perfection. No one is perfect.
Striving for perfection often gets in the way of what we really want.
Learning, growth, honesty, trust, innovation, creativity.
If you have a few minutes, take a deep breath and pause to consider:
Where are you holding yourself to an impossible ideal?
How can you cultivate more grace and be at ease within yourself?
Which of these five tips do you need to practice the most?
If you want more feedback support, keep reading here. And be sure to download the quick reference guide to my five tips for Learning to Welcome Feedback.
[1] Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly. Presentation at the University of Minnesota Center for Spirituality and Healing, Minneapolis, MN.
[2] Rock, D. (2009). Managing with the Brain in Mind. Strategy + Business, 1. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/attachments/31881/managingwbraininmind.pdf